I am a twenty-year old whose parents are incapable of offering any monetary support to my quest for the old sheepskin and the, at least twenty thousand dollar a year job which it guarantees. In time, the local financial aid office agreed that any parental support would be sentimental only; and I was awarded some money which was allocated in grant, loan, and work-study. The exact amount of the award was determined by magical extrapolation of governmental charts.

 

As with all such charts, there were major flaws. The worst flaw in these was that they failed to take into Consideration the fact that this city is the twelfth most expensive to live in, in the entire nation. In consequence, I not only did I lack sufficient funds for such extras as dental work and glasses, but I was also short on necessities such as rent. Furthermore, there is a policy which states that should one earn any money, he either has his award decreased by an equal amount or is made to pay back an equal amount plus interest. This, or course, assumes one is not seen as trying to defraud the government in which case one has all expenses paid for at the local house of detainment.

 

Such a situation is called living on a fixed income and as you can see, it is not limited to Social Security recipient,. I went to the university and told them I didn't have enough money for the rent, told them that I needed an extension. They responded by telling me that I had poor budget planning and suggesting that I attend their helpful series of free lectures.

 

The first of the month brought a confrontation with my landlord and an explanation of my predicament. He came up with a rather novel idea. I could do odd jobs for him at one dollar and eighty cents an hour which would be deducted from my rent. There would be no records, no W-2 or W-4, no income declared or taxed. I jumped at the idea. what choice did I have? In my situation, it was an offer I could not refuse.

 

I moved furniture, cleaned apartments, did some painting, carpentry. plumbing, and electrical work. I replaced worn washers, fixed broken windows, changed locks, and showed apartments. When the furnace went out, I lit it. When the cellar flooded, I drained it. When the police broke down doors or tore up walls making drug busts I repaired them. When they cut up a rug for evidence in a murder case, I helped lay a new one. When the boyfriend went berserk after finding out that his one true love was "a two-bit hooker" who thought he was "funny." I helped rebuild the apartment. Once there was a big fire and I got a lot of work cleaning up the mess. For me it was perfect, coming as it did during semester break.

 

There were times though when my activities. despite being illegal. were not nearly so exciting. In February the landlord bought a three building complex and was immediately served notice, by the health department, that he had seven days to remove the dog stool from the premises or have the buildings condemned. It seemed that when he bought the buildings, he inherited nine families, thirteen dogs, and a yard full of by-products. Needless to say, I was delegated the responsibility of rectifying this dog crap crisis.

 

I should explain, for those unfamiliar with February dog crap that there are three distinctive types of winter dog crap:

1) fresh, warm, and soft

2) older, colder, and harder

3) old, cold, and hard

 

In the dislodgement or dog crap and its subsequent transportation to the trash can, a flat shovel is recommended. While this is not particularly fast; it is safe, clean, and efficient. A faster method of dealing with three is the dislodgement by a firm kick of the boot and transportation by the glove hand. This method, while at once repulsive to some, is both clean and safe for thoroughly frozen dog crap offers no hazards. I have reached a point of expertise where I can handle the older, colder, and harder crap by this boot/glove method. But, it should be pointed out that there are hazards in the boot/gloving of number two. Too much foot or finger pressure and one has a situation which is not only embarrassing but also messy. If there is any doubt as to the degree of oldness, coldness, and hardness use the shovel. If uncertain as to the amount or pressure to exert, use the shovel. And always use the shovel when dealing with new, warm. and soft crap. Remember it is better to be safe than revolting to others.

 

There are many methods, many maneuvers, and many approaches, but they are highly specialized and very refined and only for the most experienced of handlers. As such, they shall not be discussed here.

 

The only criterion for a good removal is simply this, When you are finished, another should not be able to tell that either you or the crap had ever been there. And this is no easy matter when dealing with number one. Proper shovel entry angle is of optimum importance and can not be overstated, The sharp an angle and one leaves a divot; too shallow an angle and it looks like someone skidded right through it. Either of these results is far from acceptable.

 

A fourth general type of winter dog crap is that which is frozen in ice. This form is effectively dealt with by using a standard ice chopper for dislodgement and the trusty shovel for transportation, The hole left by removal is then filled with water which, when it freezes, produces a smooth, flat surface. By cutting out redesigned shapes and filling them with water of various colors, it is possible to transform what had been a dog crap haven into a work of art. Award winning ice paintings have been created in this way.

 

Having proven myself outdoors, I was given a shot indoors. Indoor crap removal introduced two new considerations:

1) the surface crapped upon (the approach to a hardwood floor is different than that of,

say, tile, rubber mat, linoleum, shag rug, etc.)

2) odor (unlike outdoors, indoors, odor is of major concern)

 

The transition proved doubly difficult for me. for not only did I switch from outside to inside, I also went from dog crap to cat crap.

 

Two indispensable indoor cat crap dislodgement and transportation tools are the putty knife and box of tissues. Among the wide range of possible deodorizing agents are bleach, vinegar, pine and lemon cleaners, and the opening of windows, Immediate, if somewhat superficial, nostril relief can be obtained through the use of any number of aerosol air fresheners.

 

Although I have become something of an expert in the various areas of crap removal, I am not particularly fond of my work.

 

But I am not alone in this. I am told that many, who live on a fixed income, are not all pleased with the crap they are forced to deal with.

 

-1970